How Being A Caregiver Made Me A Better leader

How Being A Caregiver Made Me A Better Leader

As of this writing, it has been two years since my father’s passing. Stepping unexpectedly into the role of caregiver was one of the most challenging yet transformative experiences of my life. Over the 12 months I spent in that role, I gained invaluable insights and skills. Many millennials, myself included, are now confronting the reality that our loved ones are gradually transitioning into the next chapter of life. I felt compelled to share my story as part of that journey.

One of my personal goals for 2025 is to write more frequently, and this topic has been on my heart for the past six months. I finally decided it was time to put my thoughts into words.

I juggle many roles — husband, father, entrepreneur, and businessman — and each one demands leadership in its own way. Serving as my father’s caregiver taught me lessons I continue to apply today — lessons I may never have learned had I not been placed in that position

Here are ten ways caregiving helped me grow as a leader:

Time Management

As I mentioned earlier, I wear many hats and often find myself being pulled in multiple directions. During my time as a caregiver, my wife and I were raising our 2-year-old daughter in the middle of a global pandemic. I was also serving as a Director at Lovelytics, managing direct reports who looked to me for guidance. On top of that, I was creating technical content, leading Tableau and Power BI user groups, and staying active in my church. I’m sure there were even more responsibilities on my plate, but stepping into the caregiver role forced me to reevaluate what truly mattered.

One of the first lessons I learned was that I didn’t have nearly as much time as I thought I did. With so many responsibilities, I had to figure out how to keep all the plates spinning — only now with even less time to do it. I had to complete tasks in half the time they would normally take and approach each day with a solid plan if I wanted to succeed. I wasn’t successful every day, but my goal was to avoid being unsuccessful in the same area of life for multiple days in a row.

Time management may sound cliché, but it became one of the most valuable skills I developed. Time is our most precious resource, and where we choose to spend it reflects what we value most. As a leader, it’s critical to be aware of how your time is being spent and whether it aligns with the goals you’re trying to achieve.

Resource Management

Dictionary.com defines resources as “a source of supply, support, or aid, especially one that can be readily drawn upon when needed.” I’m incredibly blessed to have a supportive wife, family, and friends who stepped in to help me during one of the most challenging times of my life. However, the hardest part about accepting help was figuring out exactly what I needed in order to let them support me effectively. While I had access to plenty of resources, I quickly realized that articulating my specific needs was just as important as having the resources themselves.

This proved especially difficult because my father’s battle with ALS was unpredictable — each day brought new challenges, and what I needed one day could change completely in a week or two. I also came to understand the distinction between time-based and monetary resources. I could spend money to free up more time, or I could invest more time to save money. Balancing these trade-offs required me to make deliberate decisions about which resource to leverage at any given moment.

As a leader, I now recognize that resources are critical for expanding vision and achieving goals. The real challenge lies in clearly identifying what is needed, when it’s needed, and how often it will be required. I’ve learned that pinpointing these needs earlier in the process can lead to better outcomes. Over the past two years, this lesson has shaped my approach to resource management.

I also view my resources differently now. The Lord has blessed me with an abundance, and I feel a deep responsibility to steward them wisely. Before becoming a caregiver, I didn’t hold this perspective as strongly — but that experience transformed the way I value and manage what I’ve been given.

Delegation

I take pride in being driven and willing to work hard to solve problems. I’ve always been able to push myself to achieve goals, sometimes to the point of exhaustion. While that determination can be a strength, it often leads to me taking on more tasks than necessary — tasks that could have been delegated to others I trust.

One of the most valuable lessons I learned as a caregiver was the importance of delegation. It allowed me to focus on the bigger priorities instead of getting overwhelmed by smaller tasks. Since my father lived 2.5 hours away, I couldn’t always be there in person. On most days, my support came through daily phone calls and progress updates. Unfortunately, the healthcare system, strained as it was, often left me waiting anywhere from 5 to 45 minutes just to speak with someone. Early on, I took on the responsibility of making all those calls myself, but I quickly realized I could ask others to step in and help. Delegating those calls while still receiving the updates I needed became a game-changer. It taught me that effective delegation can lead to the same results without adding unnecessary stress.

I also learned that delegating tasks early in the process provides much-needed peace of mind — especially for routine tasks or those I don’t particularly enjoy. Now, whenever I take on a new project, I immediately consider which tasks can be delegated and how doing so will lighten my mental load.

Delegation is still an area I’m working to improve, but I approach it with more intention than ever before. As I’ve mentioned earlier, time is our most valuable asset, and learning to delegate effectively is one of the best ways to make sure it’s spent wisely.

Calculated Decision Making

Before my father’s diagnosis, I had no real understanding of ALS. All I knew was that it was associated with the Ice Bucket Challenge and that Lou Gehrig and Stephen Hawking had the disease. Once I learned about my father’s condition, I immediately shifted into research mode, determined to learn everything I could about the disease and its potential outcomes. I discovered that ALS is a terminal illness, but life expectancy varies from person to person.

My father has always been my hero, and I truly believed he would beat the odds — and in many ways, he did. When an ER physician initially gave him just two months to live, he defied expectations and lived for another 12 months. That hope, combined with the data I gathered, forced me to make several difficult decisions on his behalf. I knew that having as much information as possible was critical to navigating those choices and preparing for uncertain outcomes.

As a leader, I’ve learned that decision-making is a daily responsibility. Having access to solid information is essential for anticipating potential results, but even with preparation, decisions don’t always go as planned. At the time, I was a director, and many of my decisions impacted others — not just myself. The more informed I was, the more confident I felt, but I also had to become comfortable making calculated decisions and observing their outcomes.

Equally important, I learned the value of pivoting when a decision wasn’t producing the desired results. Leadership isn’t just about making choices — it’s about being willing to adjust course when necessary. That adaptability has become one of the most important lessons I’ve carried forward.

Importance of Rest and Recovery

Before my father got sick, he would spend hours at the gym. His routine included time in the sauna, stretching, cardio, weightlifting, and finishing with the whirlpool — always paired with proper nutrition to aid recovery. I believe he picked up these habits during his days as a college basketball player, where recovery was just as important as training for the next game or practice. Through his example, he taught me the value of knowing when to push hard and when to rest and recharge for the challenges ahead.

As a caregiver, I was pushed to my limits on a weekly basis. Like I mentioned earlier, I’ve always been able to dig deep and push myself to get things done. But during that season of life, I realized I wasn’t great at resting and recovering. Fortunately, I was able to move my father closer to me, which allowed me to visit him in person once or twice a week — but it also meant my normal routine had to shift dramatically.

On visiting days, I was waking up at 5:30 AM, driving to his rehab facility, working remotely from his room, talking to nurses and doctors between Teams calls, then driving back home to fulfill my responsibilities as a husband and father. After that, I’d often work late into the night to catch up on anything I missed earlier in the day. To put it simply — I was burning the candle at both ends.

Thankfully, I had a therapist during this journey who challenged me to prioritize self-care. Her encouragement to take time for myself was one of the best things that happened to me. It taught me to be more mindful about when to shut things down and allow myself to recharge. That mindset shift helped me become a better version of myself.

I often hear leaders talk about burnout and the toll it takes, and I completely understand how easy it is to fall into that trap. Many of us feel like we have to keep moving at 100 mph or risk missing an opportunity — or worse, letting people down. But the truth is, rest and recovery are essential if you want to sustain success and perform at your best.

I’ve learned that while I can run on empty, I feel much better — and perform much better — when I’m operating with at least half a tank of gas.

Communication Skills

As the lead caregiver, it was my responsibility to communicate with a wide range of people. I had to regularly speak with doctors, nurses, palliative care teams, rehabilitation staff, social workers, family, and friends. Each interaction required me to adapt my communication style based on the audience and the situation.

For instance, there were times when I only had five minutes with a physician, so I had to be clear, concise, and focused on the most pressing questions or concerns. On other occasions, I had an hour-long meeting with staff members, allowing me to dive deeper into my father’s care plan and ask more detailed questions. These varying scenarios pushed me to sharpen my ability to communicate effectively across different settings and with different types of people.

This skill has carried over into my professional life. There are times when I have a brief, 15-minute call with executive leadership where I need to deliver key points quickly and clearly. Then there are times when I’m working with operations teams and can explore their processes in greater detail, asking more specific and targeted questions.

Regardless of the audience or timeframe, effective communication requires two key elements — knowing what to say and how to say it. Being able to adapt my communication style based on the situation has proven to be one of the most valuable skills I gained as a caregiver, and it continues to serve me well in my day-to-day work.

Empathy

According to Dictionary.com, a caregiver is defined as “a person who cares for someone who is sick or disabled.” Before my dad became ill, I didn’t fully grasp just how demanding and emotionally exhausting this role could be. While I wasn’t responsible for hands-on care, like changing diapers or providing physical assistance, I carried the weight of making most of the decisions and steering the ship to ensure everything ran as smoothly as possible.

Before stepping into this responsibility, I approached situations with a very logical, almost computer-like mindset. My focus was often on solving problems rather than addressing the emotions behind them. However, this experience taught me to lead with empathy — because you truly never know what someone else might be going through.

As a leader, I’ve found that empathy has become one of my greatest tools for building meaningful connections with stakeholders, clients, and team members. I’ve learned to approach conversations with more care and understanding, making it easier to put myself in someone else’s shoes.

When deadlines are tight or priorities suddenly shift, I now find myself asking, “Are you okay?” or “What can I do to help?” More often than not, this is met with gratitude — sometimes even a heartfelt, “Thank you for asking. No one ever asks how I’m doing.” These moments reinforce for me that leading with empathy isn’t a weakness — it’s a strength.

The reality is that grief and loss are universal experiences. At some point, we all face them — regardless of race, gender, income, or education. Being open about my father’s passing has allowed me to connect with others on a deeper level. It’s also helped me better support people who are juggling personal struggles while trying to keep their heads above water.

Empathy doesn’t just make us better leaders — it makes us better humans. And that’s something I strive for every single day.

Effective Requirements Gathering and the Importance of Documentation

It’s no secret that the healthcare system has been under tremendous strain since COVID-19. High turnover rates, especially in labor-intensive roles, have only added to the challenges. The tragic assassination of the United Healthcare CEO highlights just how frustrated people are with the state of the system.

When you’re dealing with multiple teams and departments, breakdowns in communication are almost inevitable. I experienced this firsthand while trying to get consistent updates about my father’s condition and daily progress. With him constantly being transferred between facilities and the ER, the only constant was his overall health status — and even that felt like a moving target.

I quickly realized I needed to create a centralized folder with all his key information. This would allow me to answer questions quickly and accurately, no matter who I was speaking with. It felt like I was conducting an intense requirements-gathering session, learning everything I could about his health status, key milestones, pain points, and realistic goals.

In addition, I started documenting every conversation I had with his care team. Given the high turnover, this became essential. For each call, I captured the name of the person I spoke with, their role, the purpose of the conversation, and a summary of what was discussed. These notes became invaluable, especially when I needed to reference details later that I couldn’t immediately recall.

This process has translated seamlessly into my professional life. The rise of AI tools has made capturing and organizing information even more efficient, but the principles remain the same. Every Teams or Zoom meeting should include transcripts, action items, and clear next steps.

Proper documentation ensures accountability and provides a reliable reference point for future decisions. As a leader, I’ve learned that effective note-taking and tracking progress aren’t just organizational habits — they’re critical tools for keeping teams aligned and making informed decisions. Whether in caregiving or business, clear documentation can be the difference between chaos and clarity.

Self awareness of my own strengths and weaknesses

I’m committed to a path of continuous improvement. In my 20s, I believed I could outwork and solve any problem on my own — and I had the ego to match. My mindset was simple: put in the work, and the results will follow. While this approach helped me achieve many goals, it also revealed areas where I fell short.

Taking the StrengthsFinder 2.0 assessment was a pivotal moment for me. It highlighted gaps in my skills and talents that I hadn’t fully acknowledged. When my father first got sick, I reverted to my old mentality — taking everything on myself and trying to shoulder all the responsibilities. This approach eventually left me spread too thin, struggling to keep up with the demands of caregiving. While I was working hard and accomplishing a lot, there were areas where seeking help would have resulted in better processes and outcomes.

It has taken me two years of reflection to fully process that experience and pinpoint areas where I could have been more effective. Through this journey, I’ve gained clarity about my strengths and weaknesses and learned to embrace the balance between them.

As a leader, this self-awareness has become one of my greatest assets. During discovery calls with prospective clients, I’m upfront about the areas where I excel and transparent about where they may need additional expertise. I’ve found that this honesty and transparency are well received, building trust early in the process. It also sets clear expectations, which can lead to better outcomes for everyone involved.

Nothing is more frustrating than hiring someone who claims they can deliver, only to realize months later that they’re in over their head and were simply chasing a paycheck. Self-awareness — when paired with the humility to admit what you don’t know — can be a powerful tool. It allows leaders to focus on what they do best while empowering others to fill in the gaps. Recognizing and owning my limitations hasn’t made me weaker — it’s made me stronger and more effective in every area of life.

The Importance of an Exit Strategy

My father’s illness was terminal, and I knew there was only one possible outcome — his transition to the next realm was inevitable. One of the most frustrating aspects of this journey was having to figure things out on the fly. In my experience, many parents and grandparents, particularly in the African American community, don’t communicate their wishes clearly when it comes to end-of-life planning. There’s often a lack of proper documentation regarding assets, legal affairs (I could write an entire blog about the hurdles I had to jump through to obtain Power of Attorney), and emergency instructions. Since death is a certainty, it’s essential for each individual to have an exit strategy in place.

As a leader managing multiple projects, I see how this philosophy applies in my professional life. Teams change, and projects eventually come to an end, so it’s critical to have a plan for when that happens. Some questions I now ask myself are: What happens when this project ends? Who will take over once it’s complete? What does success look like in the long term? What if the desired outcome isn’t achieved? What documentation is needed?

Before I became a caregiver, I hadn’t thought much about exit strategies, but now I understand their importance. As a leader, having a clear exit strategy helps ensure smooth transitions, providing a roadmap for closing out projects effectively and preparing for the next phase. This foresight makes it easier for everyone involved to wrap things up and move forward with confidence.

Bonus lesson

Accepting the Outcome

The hardest part of this journey has been accepting the inevitable outcome. My father was and still is my superhero, so it was difficult to imagine that he would pass away. I struggled to accept that this outcome was actually going to happen. After all, if anyone could beat ALS, it was my father! As things progressed toward the end, I found it incredibly difficult to let go of the hope that I could change the situation. I’ve always been able to work hard and achieve whatever I set my mind to, but this was one battle where I couldn’t control the outcome. It has taken me two years to reach this point, but this shift in mindset has ultimately made me a stronger person.

Sometimes, despite our best efforts, there is nothing we can do to change the outcome. As a Christian, this philosophy has strengthened my faith, teaching me to trust that God is in control, especially in the toughest times. As caregivers, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking we can control the outcome, but ultimately, it’s God’s decision.

As a leader, there are times when you’ve done everything right — conducted thorough research, held countless discovery calls, crafted the perfect project plan, and assembled the ideal team — but the project still doesn’t turn out as expected due to factors beyond your control. In those moments, it’s important to accept the outcome and evaluate what worked and what didn’t. Taking your ego out of the equation and recognizing which variables were within your control — and which ones weren’t — can help you move forward with clarity. I’ve failed many times as a leader, but I strive to take those lessons with me and keep moving forward.

Thank you, Father, for allowing me the honor of being your caregiver. While it was undoubtedly the most challenging time of your life, the lessons you taught me will stay with me forever. I vowed at your celebration of life that the world would come to know the name Tyler, and I will carry on your legacy. I’ll continue to build on this foundation and do my part to honor your memory every day.

Love you always Dad aka Donnie “DT” Tyler